Ello dahhling,

I need your help…not mentally, because we know that day of sanity will never come. I’m creating a bucket list for 2012. I have a bucket list for life…but I need one for this year only. You know, stuff I must cross off before I take office as your President. Things that I want to do, that you can suggest. As I get older, and wiser, I forget things that I’ve always wanted to do…or I just put it off. So…suggest away, or away with your head!

THE LIST SO FAR:

Become A Volunteer Somewhere (Not a brothel, this time)
Do Stand-Up Comedy Somewhere, One Night

I’m going to have to quit you…for reals this time.

P.S. Is it odd that I have this dream of being a trucker?

I don’t like to go out to eat, for many reasons. One main reason…people. Example: You’re sitting at a good-sized restaurant, with maybe one other customer there or just you. There’s a ton of empty seats, which are spread out along the restaurant, and even empty seats outside. Then, some jackasses come in with their whiny kid, husband that blows his nose at the table, and wife that sits there and talks loudly on the phone! It’s a self seating place…And you know where they end up..they have plopped themselves right down next to you. They’ve intruded your space. Plus, the whole time..they keep looking over at you, because their conversation with each other has died down. So, they look to you for entertainment. And you just want to eat in peace.

…Well, it’s the same way sitting on a train.

I tend to think I’m on stage or jammin’ in my room, while I’m listening to my ipod on the train. If I stand..I’m usually channeling Elvis and movin’ my pelvis, in a non-purrverted “come and rub up against me” kind of way. Sittin’ down, I’m a stompin’ and clappin’. Enjoying myself. Minding my own business. Yes..there are times when the train gets crowded..and you’re “bumping and grinding” against each other. However, when the trains aren’t crowded, there’s no reason to put your junk in front of my face as I sit and you stand, fellers! There are open seats..there’s standing room all over the train! I’m not here to look at your bollocks in front of my face, blocked views with nowhere else for my eyes to roam, and left with nothing else to do but to watch them bounce in front of me. I don’t get paid to do that! I’m not a damn crotch guard! Take your junk elsewhere.

The bottom line here is…respect my “box”..and I’ll respect yours. Amen.

….of your aorta, cuticles, and a swivel of your liver.

I’m a pretty patient “human” being. I hardly ever get mad about anything. However, things that really lagkjeoisjtgoisaje me..I freak out about. It’s kinda like having O.C.D.,..and getting agitated when something isn’t right.

One thing I can not stand..well..two things I cannot stand are slow walkers, more so..the people that are walking slow while looking at their damn phone, probably waiting on their wanna-be lover to text them something dirrty, ..but they’re going to keep waiting because no one wants to deal with someone that sits there and walks slow, to check their messages..but first changing their cheesy Rihanna song on their ipod, so that they can set the mood..just in case of the slightest chance that their wanna-be lover does texts them..that way they can have their own song, even though they aren’t a “they,”..yet. There’s always hope.

Two..the slow walkers that take up the whole damn sidewalk. You know..the ones that are in groups, and feel like they have to do a single filed line, horizontally. I mean, there’s no way around them. They know you’re behind them, but they won’t budge. They don’t care. They have you out numbered.

At least I don’t have to sit in Atlanta traffic, anymore, and let my road rage build up..like that one time I whipped out the toy gun.

My cure for this..a brand new game we bring to NYC..BODY BUMPER CARS! Screw your cardio workout, yoga, kickboxing and lamaze classes. Body Bumper Cars is a great stress relieving, body toning, pore closing, skin toughening, adrenaline rushing, exciting..and aphrodisiac exciting(all the body touching) daily activity! It’s become my favorite activity, thus far, in NY! It really teaches them a lesson! And if it doesn’t..that’s where the ‘Cars’ part comes in. ..Yeah..you know where that’s leading.

So, give it a try! Money back..in my bank account, guaranteed! Body Bumper Cars!..Coming to a sidewalk near you!

P.S. Do not try this on the elderly. ..or you’ll go to heaven.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Cab Calloway “Minnie The Moocher”

There are two bathrooms here at work. Both of which are outside our doors, on our floor. One needs a key, and is a multiple stall bathroom. The other is a single stall, non-key needing bathroom. Two options..and which would I rather choose?

I choose the one that does not require a key..for two reasons (no..I do not have o.c.d. with the number 2.) I don’t like small talk, bathroom talk, smelly smells, yadda yadda.

One..When I worked with The Bert Show..we had someone on our floor, that we called the “10 ‘o clocker.” The show would end at 10am..we would all rush to the loo, because during the show there would only be a few min between commercials..and not enough time to release fluids (yummy.) Every single mother f-n day, 10 am, the loo would smell so f-n bad!! One day, for reasons of our health and the smell effecting our nasal passages, we stalked the bathroom to figure out who it was. ..Names of which I can not display here.

Now, there was a bathroom on the first floor at the radio station, but that bathroom was for the whole building. It was kinda a known thing..that people only go to the first floor bathroom to do what the 10 o’clocker on our floor would do. Instead of effecting my nasal passages and wanting to throw up and regurgitate my breakfast, I would risk the fact that someone would see me walk out of the first floor bathroom..and sneakily walk out..and pretend I would be coming from the cafe on the first floor.

Therefore, I feel like the people at my new job will judge me for going to the one-stall loo. The one-stall loo is kinda like the bathroom on the first floor. And they’ll be like “ohhh..I know why she was in there. Then, I’ll become known as the “One stall girl (which would be a great porn title.) However, I’m willing to take that risk. Why?..

I can’t stand when people talk to me, and continue to talk, as I go into the stall to release my bladder or when they’re releasing their goodness. It’s like really?!??..Is this the appropriate place for that?!! I’m like “Sorry..I can’t hear you, due to the sprinkling and clunking you’re doing in the bowl.” Sooo f-n disgusting!! Then, there’s the awkward small talk, when we’re both at the sink (me..washing my hands longer than the other person.) They’re saying something about nothing, and all I can think about is the fact that they rinsed their hands for two seconds. If everyone would be comfortable with silence in the bathroom, all would be right in the world. But no! They start the small talk..and their awkwardness about coming up with something small and non-interesting to talk about..in turn makes me more awkward than normal…therefore, making the bathroom an even more uncomfortable place.

Two, to get the key for the bathroom..I have to go to the front desk girl’s desk (Whose name I still can’t remember,) and get it. I feel like she gets bothered by my small bladder going over there every time..and I feel the like she’s expecting some unecessary small talk with her..just because I walk by her desk….every 30 minutes. But I don’t do it..so she probably thinks I’m an ahole.

So, I just went downstairs, in the building at work, to see the li-ul old lady to get my daily dose of aphrodisiac York peppermint patty. I typically put skim milk and honey in my coffee, but I’ve lately discovered the contribution the warm tasting ooze of the aphrodisiac York peppermint can provide..as it melts in my coffee.

Anyway..the gals at the front desk were freaking out as I walked down..about someone that was in our building. All I saw was three plumber looking fellers. When I came back up, my curiousity had me wondering who they were freaking out about. Out of the bathroom..walked a man that I recognized..but didn’t think it was him..but it was. He said “Hiii,” with a nice southern accent. It was Mr. “Achy Breaky Heart” himself. I didn’t recognize him without his rat tail. I bet his “bathroom talk” would be quite interesting. I guess it’s more awkward for guys to have “bathroom talk,” as they’re at the urinal..holding their wang.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO: Blair Crimmins and The Hookers “Old Man Cabbage”